Humor

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LENO

Jay Leno is referring to the Cookie Monster. He says "Too many kids nowadays look like Miss Piggy." Then he says some fast food chain (I don't remember which one) is making shakes with three times as much fat as they used to have. "You know why they call them shakes? Because that's what your ass does when you eat them."


THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN A RAW FOODIE 
FOR TOO LONG

13. You think milk comes from almonds
12. You'd rather go on a foraging walk than attend the World Series
11. You think a large unsalted pretzel in a movie theater snack display case is a banana twisted into an odd shape
10. You hope you don't get arrested for mail ordering unpasteurized almonds
9. You walk around in a T-shirt that says: "Raw Foodies get their protein from leafy greens and hemp seeds, and besides, humans don't need to eat much protein, contrary to common perception."
8. You walk around in a T-shirt saying: "The question should be: 'How did you survive so long eating too much protein and looking like that?' "
7. You belong to Young-Coconut Water Drinkers Anonymous
6. Baked pumpkin pies show up on your doorstep at Thanksgiving seeking sanctuary
5. You smuggle avocado slices, Celtic Sea Salt and first cold pressed extra virgin olive oil from Spain in dark glass bottles into regular restaurants to spice up their lettuce and tomato salad
4. 118 degrees Fahrenheit is like Kryptonite to you
3. You duck and cover when someone makes popcorn
2. Your bananas were frozen before your assets were
1. You think of Picower as a place to reinforce healthy eating rather than a funnel for making Madoff a bunch of cabbage.
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NEWBIE

A woman who eats cooked food (but is familiar with raw food techniques) is at Quintessence, a NYC raw vegan restaurant, with her daughter, a raw vegan. The woman looks at the description of a dehydrated sun-burger on the menu, then looks up at her daughter.

WOMAN: Doesn't it take a while for the customer to wait for the sunburger to be dehydrated?

SEINFELD'S KRAMER

Here's Kramer talking about finding good quality food.
A PINEAPPLE!

And here's a song sung by a woman who's thrilled when her guy gives her a pineapple.
RESTAURANT

We were seated at the restaurant table, my parents, my sister, her older son and me. It was a conventional restaurant, and everyone but me ordered cooked food from the menu.

I went outside to get something from the car. I had not yet touched my dinner, which was a salad of lettuce, tomato, avocado and onion, with olive oil that I brought.

When I got back from the parking lot, as I was sitting down, my mother said to me: "I was hoping you wouldn't take too long, so that your dinner wouldn't get cold!"